Would you toss your coin? — @belleartmovement

Would you toss your coin? — @belleartmovement

Teodora Anghel

The toss of a COIN

I will be forgiven, but not by me. By someone that has a good heart and can understand why I did all of this. I let myself down so many times, that now I do not trust myself. It’s like a war in which I keep fighting with my reflection. The murderer that made me become a sinner when I didn’t know what I wanted for my future will not be forgiven, but, it’s such a shame, that I am him. 

https://www.instagram.com/belleartmovement/

Walking down this empty street with my mind full of thoughts. I feel like a stranger. Not even my childhood street couldn’t recognize me, now, when I am grown up. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the same hazel eyes that I had as a child, looking different back to me. The same old lines, eyebrows, and lips, the same dark hair, but I am not anything like the old me. I think the eyes are the key to my answer, as they are the only ones that show a different emotion. Maybe they have nothing left to show, not even a spark of light or joy because inside it started to smell it rotten.

What a fool I was to believe that the world has something good prepared for me. I waited for so long before doing something atrocious. I feel my heart beating less often than ever, with no reason to continue, close to a waterline. Tik, tik, tik. Maybe my time has come. My time to forget all of this and throw myself into the void to start over. Why would I want to start over?

 Sitting on a curb on the side of the road, I take a coin out of my jeans pocket. I spin it between my fingers for a few seconds, then I toss it up. My whole life, summed up at this moment in a simple toss of a coin. It’s as hilarious as I’ve always thought it could mean more. I’m just a fool. However, time seemed to stand still, and my heart was animated again, waiting for the verdict of the coin. Is it worth starting over? My heart was pounding harder than ever, and this strange feeling made me uncomfortable. For how long I haven’t felt like this? The obverse will show me that I have to change myself and live the life I never had, but the reverse will tell me that it’s time to end all this charade. 

The coin lands on my hand and I cover it with the other one. Ironically, the answer I’ve been waiting for so long, now I’m not sure I want to know it anymore. What would be the chances of falling obverse? Pretty small for the luck I have. These low chances make me sad and I feel fear start to grip me. How is that possible? I haven’t felt anything for so long, and now, in just a few minutes, I have this carousel of emotions.

Surprised, I realize that I want to see on my hand the side of the coin that gives me hope to continue, to change, and to do something consistent with my life. I watch as I keep the coin covered and think about the next step.

I take a deep breath and wait for an impulse. Then all of a sudden I’m sure what I have to do. Without even looking at it, I put the coin back in my pocket and get up from the curb. 

 It’s time to move on.

Belle Art Movement ONLINE:

Teodora: https://www.instagram.com/theflowerhope/

BAM: https://www.instagram.com/belleartmovement/

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